“Notice how aversion and anger almost always arise as a direct reaction to a threatening or painful situation. If they are not seen clearly and understood they grow into hatred…A fearful situation turns to anger when we can’t admit we are afraid…When fear arises, anger and aversion function as strategies to help us feel safe, to declare our strength and security. In fact, we actually feel insecure and vulnerable, but we cover this fear and vulnerability with anger and aggression…
When a painful or threatening event arises, we can open our eyes to it. When we learn to tolerate our own pain and face our own fears, we will no longer blame and inflict it on others…We can train ourselves to notice the gap between the moments of our experience and the reaction or the response…In a healthy response to pain and fear, we establish awareness before it becomes anger.
That’s why mindfulness training starts by paying attention to small things, small pains and disappointments. When I start to get into an argument with my wife, if I pay attention I notice that I usually feel hurt or afraid. If I speak to her angrily, she will become defensive and the argument will grow. But if I’m mindful, I can talk about my hurt or fears instead of being lost in anger and blame. Then my wife becomes interested and concerned. Out of this a different and more honest conversation occurs.” – Jack Kornfield, https://jackkornfield.com/fear-and-anger/