“Deep listening is at the foundation of Right Speech [mature or wise speech]. If we cannot listen mindfully, we cannot practice Right Speech. No matter what we say, it will not be mindful, because we’ll be speaking only our own ideas not in response to the other person…When communication is cut off, we all suffer. When no one listens to us or understands us, we become like a bomb ready to explode… When we listen with our whole being, we can defuse a lot of bombs.”
In his book, The heart of the Buddha’s teaching, Thich Nhat Hanh reflects on the importance of choosing wisely our silence and words, “Right Speech”. Given the power that they have to destroy or to heal:
“For example, a family member may suffer very much. No one in the family has been able to sit quietly and listen to him or her. If there is someone capable of sitting calmly and listening with his or her hear for one hour, the other person will feel a great relief from his suffering.”
He develops on the qualities of silence that can bring healing:
“Kwan Yin, a person who has a great capacity of listening with compassion and true presence… Listening like that is not to judge, criticize, condemn, or evaluate, but to listen with the single purpose in mind to help the other person suffer less.”
“`I am listening to him not only because I want to know what is inside him or to give him advice. I am listening to him just because I want to relieve his suffering.’ That is compassionate listening…If you don’t feel that you can continue to listen in this way, ask your friend, `Dear one, can we continue in a few days?’…training oneself to listen with compassion. That is very important, a great gift.”
Then, reflecting on the words component of speech, Thich Nhat Hanh highlights the importance of using caring words when telling the truth and being aware of the context and person you are speaking to:
“Sometimes we speak clumsily and create internal knots in others. Then we say, `I was just telling the truth.’ It may be the truth, but if our way of speaking causes unnecessary suffering, it is not Right Speech… Words that damage or destroy are not Right Speech.”
“Before you speak, understand the person you are speaking to…so that your speech is `Right’ in both form and content… Of course you have suffered, but the other person has suffered also… When you begin to understand the suffering of the other person, compassion will arise in you, and the language you use will have the power of healing.”
His reflection, is a reminder that communication requires practice and attention, not only to our words, but also to our silence.